So, you lucky musical-lovers, we have new one upon us. Another musical we can use as ecapism from our mundane jobs and instead revel in the nolstagic bliss that is – THE SPICE GIRLS, on stage, once again. Well, at least look-a-likeys that can actually sing! Hurrah!
My educated guess is, that much like Mamma Mia, a musical based on the success of a iconic band, the storyline will SHOE-HORN the songs in. Shoe-horn. The story line will have minimal connection to the songs, all is needed is a ridiculous enough plot to distract the audience from the fact that at ANY MOMENT the entire cast will burst into a jazz-hands chorus dance with loud bellowing songs.
So, here is my script for the musical. Note to Jennifer Saunders, it’s OK if you wish to steal any parts of it.
SPICE GIRLS: THE
Enter Victoria [centre stage, alone in darkness, lights come up gradually]: “Girls! Girls! Something awful has happened. [Victoria is clutching her iPhone]. David’s just dumped me.
Mel C: EY EY! What d’ya mean son? He’s dumped you by TEXT MESSAGE?
Victoria [quietly]: Whatsapp….
Mel B: WHERE IS HE? I’ll kick him I will. Rarrrrrrrrr.
MUSIC STARTS. EMOTIONALLY, THE GIRLS SING ‘WHEN 2 BECOME 1′. There is a slow-mo montage of Posh & Becks playing behind them including snaps of their 90′s marriage.
Victoria: Guys, I’ve GOT to get him back. I have to. [Victoria starts crying].
Emma: Oh Vicky, you poor little poppet . We’ll help you. Let’s find you the perfect outfit!!
The girls start to dress a crying Victoria. Mel B puts a leopard print coat on her, Mel C puts an adidas headband on her, Emma B puts a pink scrunchie in her hair and Geri puts a Union Jack flag in her hand.
Geri: There!! Girl, you look great. Go get him. [slaps Victoria on the bum]
Victoria opens the door and begins to walk down the street.
STOP!!!!!!!!!!! [a LOUD shout from off-stage]
Anna Wintour emerges from stage left, wearing iconic dark glasses and sharp bob. Anna has a microphone.
[singing & out-of-rhythm dancing] “Stop right now, thank you very much……..”
Victoria: Anna? Anna Wintour? What are you doing here????
Anna Wintour: Darling. You really think I’d let you walk down a public street looking like THAT? [she flicks the Adidas headband]. Come with me, child. [Anna Wintour turns around, she is wearing wings, and holding a wand] Count with me, 1-2-3……
[In a puff of smoke, Victoria Beckham is dressed head to foot in couture. Burberry trench clipped at the waist, Louboutin shoes, a zip dress from her own range, Dior sunglasses and a sleek pony-tail].
Anna Wintour: NOW GO!
………..PART 2 TOMORROW